Chapter 3: This is where I stand

There is so much water between me and the very safe shore that seems to fade away, into this dark night. While I know how to swim, my arms are tired and I am bleeding. I am hungry and there are sea creatures in the waters who are even more hungry than I am...
This is where I stand. I am drowning, but if I don't swim or at least try, my story will end and "they" will tarnish it by saying that I did not even try... 
I have no idea what will happen, but I have accepted that I must get in the water... I will swim calmly, till I get tired... I will cry, and so much so that the water levels will rise. My vision will get blurry. My tears will mix with the salty waters and maybe I'll swallow a little bit more than my recommended daily water intake.  
I understand that even if I manage to make it to shore, it will be one of the most difficult undertakings I've had to encounter and even after all of that, I will still have to deal with the recovery process...
I will have to deal with the physical exhaustion, the psychological trauma of the whole situation and I will be responsible, whether I like it or not, for my own healing.
Denying myself healing in that particular aspect of my life will infect the not-so-terrible parts of my existence; everything is connected and I am always the common denominator in matters concerning me. I can't escape "Me" without consequence.
I don't get bonus points for my attempts at being what some would call: a good person. The only thing that matters is this very moment and what I choose to do with it. 
Even though it appears that I am swimming to presumed safety, I am actually just trying to find a way to swim back to myself. 
No matter what the goal is: I am always the prize.
The prize is always a more authentic version of who I truly am, coupled with my evolving essence.
How many more seas will I have to swim to meet this person that is the "real" me, and to my core, do I honestly believe that the journey is worth it?
Safi Nakihimba covered with Nyota Designs scarf, 2017
*Photo Credit & Edit: Safi Nakihimba (2017)

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