In. This. Moment.
I am still processing something I wrote publicly yesterday on my private Facebook page timeline. Please see the following, for reference:
I’m slowly finding my spirit surrendering to the circumstances I can’t change.
I am still finding ways to shift the way I process certain things, even if it looks like a waste of time/energy/money/hope.
It’s not the kind of improvement I was looking for but this is what’s available right now. In. This. Moment. "
This is very powerful, because in a sense, I am relieving myself of a weight, a burden, I have been carrying for such a long time. Trying to carry the weight of circumstances that are beyond change is so draining. I am freeing more of my energy to be directed towards the harnessing of my willpower and tangible changes within my control and influence.
My focus has obviously been out of whack in that regards and I am ready to grieve this part of my ways, while making room to accept that this is going to take a moment. While I am hopeful in my reframing of this concept, I am also not going to pressure myself into believing that this is going to happen overnight. I don't want to subject myself to this kind of pressure, otherwise I enter another kind of mind fuck situation, where I'm in a loop I can't get out of when all that is needed is nurturing patience. The same patience I allow myself to display unto others. I owe it to myself to let that go.
If I truly want to experience a different, lighter version of myself, I need to accept that I cannot be in control of everything, all the time. And to be honest, this pisses me off. There is so much anger to unpack about this, but this is OK. I am aware, and I am unpacking all of this. I am also very aware that I am not powerless, either. That awareness is my salvation, in a sense, while I navigate this journey I wanted to avoid, so desperately. Knowing where I am powerful is where I can become stronger, instead of feeling like I am failing, for something over which I have no jurisdiction.
This is the victory that is accessible to me right now, and for now I'm taking it. This is not me giving up, but more so, being aware of what is... In. This. Moment.
*Artwork In Progress: Safi Nakihimba (2019)